To my grandfather..

I know I have disappointed you
in so many ways
I am not the person
you raised me to be.
I lost the faith
that was so important to you
But Grandpa, the only thing
I really ever had faith in
was you.

Your voice still rings
in my head
and I never forget what you've taught me
even if it seems I turn my back
on all the wisdom
that was my sole inheritance.
You are still my standard
And though you are not the only man
to hold my heart,
you remain the only one
who never broke it.

although your blood was never mine
I see your heart
and your strength
in my son
Your patience
and your wisdom
in my daughter.

Your absence in my life
is glaring, and impossible.
But I remember you when I dance
( know you taught me well)
and I remember you in the words of songs
I heard often from your own lips.
And I remember you when I need faith
because I could always find it in you.

You left shoes
much too large to fill
I miss you.

Lewis P Hicks 1909-1990
Father, Grandfather, Best Friend.



©photo property of Vivid X Photography( Family Portrait 1985)

Self Portrait

It is easy enough
to hurt you with my words
to show you your own face
in this scrivened mirror.

It is easy enough
to gather together
all the enormous pain you've caused
and lay it written at your feet.

What is not easy
is admitting ( if only to myself)
that hurting you still hurts me.
and your pain is more than I can bear.

©Vivid X Photography (Self Portrait)

What is in a name...

Romeo asks " what is in a name?"
Juliet would deny hers
But a rose would still smell sweet
if called by another.

Names hold magic
and power
if you would believe
that old wives speak truth.

But you have only to ask for mine
and I would give it to you...


Painting by Foxton ( Yellow Rose Number Two)

Decisions..

The key to contentment
lies in knowing
the difference
between 'need', and 'want'.

The key to happiness
is knowing
which to choose.

©Vivid X Photography (Freedom)

Just drive

Driving home today
I got caught in a raging thunderstorm.
I pulled over to the side of the road
and waited until it cleared enough
so I could see to drive.

For ten minutes I watched
the world beyond my windshield disappear.
For ten minutes (but it seemed like forever)
I thought about us..and my life..
and how I was sitting on the side of the road
the side of my life,
waiting for the rain to let up

But the rain isnt ever going to stop
and the side of the road is no place to live.
Eventually I will have to brave the storm
and drive
if I ever want to get anywhere,
( if I want to get past this)
even if I can't see the road ahead.

Even if I have to drive alone.
Even if...


The rain finally slowed to a trickle.
I started the car, and finally made my way home...

©Vivid X Photography ( The Drive Home)

Just for pretend...

Let me get to know you
I've thought of you for so long
we'll tell each other everything
This connection feels so strong

Hold me tight and don't let go.
Kiss me and dont ever hold back
I want everything you have to give me
Im falling so hard, and so fast

You know it was love at first sight
no matter how long it took to say the words
marry me, you are already my wife
in a distant, parallel world...


It was such a beautiful story
A fairy tale up to the end
Too bad you forgot to tell me
It was all just for pretend

©Vivid X Photography (Dress Up)

Perfect day..

old memories
like favorite movies
play through my thoughts
distracting me
from reality
as I become lost
in the past
and a perfect day with you...

we walked along
the world's edge
holding hands and talking
laughing
and walking
watching the sun
fade away
as the moon
took its place
and the stars bloomed
such a perfect day with you...

©Vivid X Phorography ( Melbourne Beach, Florida)

Beautiful...

I felt beautiful when...

I was lazing about in all my naked unglory
and you told me I looked amazing,
(when I knew you didnt mean it.)

Your eyes looked into mine
at that perfect moment.

Your hands were on my skin
any moment at all.

we kissed in the parking lot
of the laundromat...
and at the garage...
... and in the basement
while the clown watched.

You smiled at me. Everytime you smiled at me.

I made you laugh. On purpose.
and sometimes accidently

You told me you loved me
( Because I thought you meant it.)

©Vivid X Photography ( Beautiful)

Piano man

you played so beautifully
on those old black and white keys
the notes drifting through the room
vibrating through my chest
until it seemed my very skin absorbed the sound.
How I long to experience the peace
that surrounds you as you play.
To have a bit of solace in this world
even if, like you,
I must brave the madness to find it.

©Vivid X Photography ( In Black and White)

"Come in to my parlor,"...

...said the spider to the fly.
So I did.

And we were both caught in your web
The irony is
now only you are the one entangled.
And I am here
watching as your struggles
make the strands of your deceit
wrap ever more tightly around you.
and now
you will never be free again
no matter what you choose.
Because only the truth
can set you free.
And truth
is not what spiders
speak.

©Vivid X Photography (Golden Orb)

Changes..

Everything is so different
to hear your voice on my phone
to feel my heart race
not in happiness..
but in fear, now.

to see your name
on the page
and to not want to look
at the words you've written
when not so long ago I would
have lived for those words.

to see your face
at my door
and not want to let you inside
because I know the
damage you could do
if I ever were to trust you again.

You changed everything.
and none of it is for the better.

© Vivid X Photography( After the Fire)

The truth is...

I do not know how to forgive you,
even though you say you're sorry
for hurting me.
for lying to me.
for betraying my trust.
for breaking my heart.

Because that is not what I want you
to be sorry for...


©Vivid X Photography (Angel In Repose)

My new friend..

I have made friends
with this ache in my chest.
After all, it knows my secrets
sees all the tears
it doesnt judge me, not like you.

It doesnt lie to me
It doesnt use me
It never leaves me
for a new, unbroken heart
It does not whisper of love
or break its promises.
It never says what it does not mean.

It is always there
the last thing I feel before I sleep
the first thing in the morning
when I open my eyes again.
My constant pathetic companion.
My new best friend.

Redemption..

Have you ever wished
you could stand in the warm rain
and be washed clean..
...purified by the Earth's tears,
and scoured by her fire?

This is what it is like
to stare into your eyes.

©Vivid X Photography (Sightless)

Give and Take

I allowed you into my life
Because you were my friend.
I allowed you into my heart
Because you loved me, too.
I allowed you a glimpse into my soul
Because you would never judge me.

I gave you my trust
because I believed in you.
I gave you my faith
because I believed in us.
I gave you everything
Because you gave me what you could

You allowed me into your life
because you were lonely
You took my heart
because you had none of your own.
You took a glimpse of my soul
and judged me for what you never understood

You abused my trust
without any regret
You crushed my faith
in love, in you, in myself.
You took everything I could give you
And gave me nothing but lies, and pain, in return.

Damn...

Sophie is singing
and I cannot help but miss you.

The saddest part is knowing
I am missing what never was.

"My ability to make you laugh," you said, "is a gift from God."
So from where,exactly, does your ability to hurt me come?
What blackness slides into your heart
and takes over
the moment I need you most?
What part of your soul have you sold
To make room for the demons that scrape
and slash the minute you open your mouth
to criticize my tears?

Shoe Shopping...

"Which color", I asked, " red or black?"

" The ones that hurt the most digging into my chest when I fuck you," he replied.

It was an easy decision...


©Vivid X Photography ( Stilettos )

Time...

"I am Omniscient, I am Infinite. I control every destiny, but my own. You may pass from this dimension to the next, where my power has no meaning. But I am here. Always here. And always Alone. Your lot in life is short.I but blink, and you are gone. But I have always Been here. And I will always Be. This is my punishment."

" Your punishment?" She asked, eyes wide with wonder, and fear. " What crime have you commited?"

" You of all should know, there often does not need to be a crime to warrant a punishment. Sometimes mere existence is enough."

" But that implies there is someone else, besides you." She watched from the safety of the tower while galaxies sped across the ever changing sky. Dizzy, and exhilarated, she spread her fingers and leaned into her hands, supporting her weight on the glass.

" There is only me."

" How could you ever be lonely in such a wonderous place?" The spinning worlds slowed for a moment. Colors beyond imagining, spectrums of light from alien suns glittered onto the glass, pulsed with life and disappeared, and flashed again.: "How could anyone see so much, control so much, and ever feel less than whole?"

He turned her face gently,and she looked into the eyes of the oldest soul.

" Because these things you see now, they are long past. I see only death, child."

She pulled her chin from his warm hand, and watched the swirling symphony of life outside the glass.

"Even if they are gone now, they were once alive, once full of hope" Her graceful fingers traced against the glass, following the movements of the brightest stars

" Hope is a waste. Too many of you spend your lives hoping, instead of finding your needs met in the moments you have. "

She turned to him with her innocent eyes. " Hope built entire civilizations."

"Hope left them all in ruins" he replied, once again pacing the marbled floors. " There is nothing of any certainty but death. Time takes all, in the end"

With a brief moment of regret, he shifted her world into alignment, and she was gone.

Stock Photo Courtesy of NASA

How the fuck did I get through 22 years, when I can barely get through this single day? Only 15 minutes, and Ive already had my first meltdown.

I miss you so much.

Fuck I hate this day.

Insanity...

as I listen to the rain pouring
outside my window, I think of you.
Scared and alone, lost in your madness.
I cannot imagine your pain.
and I hurt for you.

You wanted so much to love,
to be loved.
and yet you cannot accept love.
and worse,
you have no idea how to return
what is freely given to you.

So you will always be alone,
inside the madness in your head.
And you will always bite
the hand that reaches to pull you up
and out of the seething darkness.

Yet I will always reach my hand to you
and hope for a day
When I will feel your hand in mine,
and you let me pull you into the light

where you belong...

©Vivid X Photography (Chapel Garden)